Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
i think im in europe. pls send help
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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