Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
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