You made me cry and you don't even care
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
