hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
