ya dads aren't the best wingmen
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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