i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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