The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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