Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
