So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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