we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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