hell yes lets make some ravioli
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
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