never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
