I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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