the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
