hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Randomize
