Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
