I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
We are all done wearing pants today
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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