I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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