ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
