my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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