I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
