She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
