I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
