Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
