Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Dear god my vagina.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
