I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
