Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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