yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
