Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize