i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
