imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
