my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Randomize
