dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
