I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
