I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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