He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
