something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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