He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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