There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Randomize
