I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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