Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
