Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
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