She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
