do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
