I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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