there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
