How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
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