I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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