yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
