No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize