If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
God, I missed his penis.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
