We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
My room smells like vodka and shame
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
