It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
