And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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