11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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