Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Randomize
