At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Randomize
