Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Randomize
