That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Its okay if i dont like him.his junk is just too good to resist.model penis,lame guy.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
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