life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
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