the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
