Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
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