Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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