just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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