So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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