does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
